Why Birds Are THE WORST

Currently cringing as I sit here writing on my porch in Lubbock Texas (aka the most bird infested place i’ve ever been) listening to the death flaps of bird wings and their screeches which sound like nails across a chalkboard. All these sounds and more make me have goose bumps and want to crawl into the fetal position.

Hello my name is Lacey Smith and I am afraid… terrified of birds. They say the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one. But I think birds are the real problem here.

Anyway. So where did this all start? High School. The morning of a normal day in 10th grade. I was being picked up for school by my BFF’s mom(thanks Momma Peasley). I walk out my front door to leave. Sounds like a normal task, yeah? Nope. Wrong. Not that day. I open the front door and BAM. Right in the face. Smack on the mouth. A bird. Yes a bird flew its tiny self into my face. MY FACE. I was convinced the rest of the day that I had bird rabies. I probably still have it I was never tested.. But so began my fear of the birds. I later learned when I got home from school that that little bird had stayed in my house all day long. Disgusting.

It doesn’t end there people. I go to college. Texas Tech University Wreck Em’!! The best dang university. But you already knew that. It’s the first week of school, a Thursday. I have English a class held only one day a week. I walk from my 8am Algebra class to my 9:30 English. Not a bad walk UNLESS you get pooped on by a bird. Oh yes. I was walking under a tree and felt something drop on my head, touch it. And yup. It is what you think it is. It’s the feces of a bird. A bird LITERALLY pooped on my head. Thats some cartoon like comedy stuff right there y’all. But it gets worse. How you ask? Well, me being the studious freshman that I am was not about to be late to her first English class. Oh no. So I walk up the four flights of stairs cause of course this class had to be on the top floor of the English building. And don’t stop. Not to wash my hands. Not to wash it out of my hair. No I sit through that entire class with it all over me. The entire hour and 20 minute class. Why? I do not know. I was so mad and so embarassed. Also very sorry to the guy I sat next to i’m sure I smelt lovely. What a great way to start the semester am I right?! I got pooped this semester too. So this better not be a yearly thing. I can’t live with that.

Are you convinced birds are the worst yet? No? Okay. I’ll keep going.

My mother. My dear sweet mother. Trying to help my fear of birds takes me to her co-workers house. Mind I tell you when we are on our way I have no idea where we’re going. She won’t tell me. When we finally arrive I walk in and I see it. Right there sitting in the living room. A GIANT, bird cage. You read right a BIRD CAGE. in her LIVING ROOM. My mom took me to a house where birds are kept as pets. PETS.  Why? WHY? Why? Why this? Why have birds as pets? All questions I was pondering while trying to turn around to go back into the car. I was blocked by my two brothers and then taken to have a sit on the couch. The bird lady brought the “nice bird” to come meet me. They made me look at its beady eyes and touch its nasty feathers. The bird was a little freaked and lol so was I. All I wanted to do was get out of there, and fast. Sounds like the encounter went okay right? Nope. The bird gets spooked and flies at my face. Like seriously why the face? Why me? I duck just in time and hide my face into my brother’s lap. All while having a death grip on his hand. What a great brother right? Pretty sure my whole family was just laughing at my pain. Sorry mom that trip did NOT help my fear. Thanks for trying though!!

I have plenty more stories where those came from. So, yes. I will continue running into Sam’s when there’s literally thousands of birds flocking around the parking lot. Or silently cry as I dodge the birds that flap by. Bird PTSD is a real thing y’all. Thanks for reading and stay away from the birds.


And yes I have seen Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. Yet another measure taken by family to laugh at my pain. Lol love you guys.


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